The Nutjob on the Hood

Before I made a living in the legal industry, I used to work in tech support for various software companies.  I had to open the office to start work at 6:00 a.m. because I was handling support calls from the east coast customers. (California is 3 hours behind).

This particular shift was brutal, but I was always deliriously happy when 3 p.m. rolled around because it meant that I could leave and get a head-start on the daily 5 o’clock traffic clusterfuck.  Additionally, with such an early start time, it also meant that I avoided (albeit narrowly) morning rush hour, as well. Unfortunately, being on the freeway at the ass crack of dawn also meant that I’d have to share the road with the drunks stumbling home from the bars & parties high out of their minds on whatever chemicals & substances they’d consumed just a few hours before.

The DUI offenders were easily identifiable because they were always in the furthest left hand lane (the passing lane) and driving erratically like a bat out of hell (To avoid possibly being pulled over by the CHP).

Anyone who was in the fast lane and driving 100 mph at this time of the morning was someone that I stayed far behind so that I could observe from one of the other slower (safer) lanes.  Pay attention here kids:  Always keep the lunatics in front of you while driving on the freeway. That way you can laugh when they get pulled over and/or smash into a wall & cremate themselves. The way I see it?  Any drunk who Darwinizes himself behind the wheel is one less asshole who won’t have another shot to kill an innocent bystander.

But sometimes, there are days when avoiding the asshole is just impossible. I was driving to work one morning and encountered someone moving really slowly in Lane 2, which was my lane.  At 5 a.m., it’s not a big deal to hop over into another lane to pass, so that is exactly what I did.  But the driver decided to take my passing as a personal insult and sped up  in a hurry to pass me.

Once he was in front of my car, he slammed on the breaks.  If I wasn’t 100% awake before this event, then I was now.  OK fine.  The last thing I wanted was to get into some kind of road raging nonsense because all I really wanted was to get to the office and have a cup of coffee.  (I always had my java at the office.)

I pulled into another lane and proceeded and once again, the asshole passed me, got into my lane and slammed on the breaks. This went on for approximately 5 miles.  I thought it would end when I took my exit but it didn’t.

At the end of the exit ramp was a red light and there I sat waiting for absolutely nothing at that hour except the light to change.  The asshole had followed me and parked his truck in front of me at the red light.  Then he got out of the car and proceeded to scream profanities at me through the windshield.

At this point, I was in no mood for anyone’s bullshit.  As it so happens, I was not particularly enthusiastic about being awake at 5 a.m., and I sure as hell was not feeling very congenial before my first cup of coffee.

As I sat there staring straight ahead, waiting for the light to turn green (it was unusually long) I considered several options, including opening the car door on the asshole and then beating the shit out of him with the baseball bat that I keep in my trunk for mental illness emergencies specifically like this one.  I call it ACE, which stands for Anti-Crazy Enhancer. But I quickly reconsidered because if I injured the asshole then I would be the one thrown in jail, not him.  THATs how fcuked up the American criminal justice system is.

Time passed s l o w l y.  It seemed like I was at this goddamn red light for the better part of 10 minutes when the asshole decided to throw himself on the hood of my car and began licking the windshield.  Yes, you read that correctly the first time.  I’m not sure if the guy was drunk or high or both, but he stuck out his tongue and ran it across the glass. I’m not quite sure what this was supposed to inspire me to do, but I began laughing uncontrollably.

You see, at the time, the entire windshield was covered in bird shit.  Nasty, caked on, baked on, runny bird diarrhea. The passenger side especially so.  Seriously, it was so dense that the only clean spot was  a 2×4 inch rectangle on the driver’s side that I specifically scraped off just so I could see out the window to drive until I could get to a car wash. And here was a supremely fcuked in the head nutjob sprawled across the hood licking furiously at the glass.

When I was able to regain control of my senses, I had had just about all that I was going to take of the nutjob on the hood.  I made a motion to reach forward into the glovebox and the asshole saw me doing so through the windshield and promptly ran off and drove away at top speed.  I guess he thought I was reaching for a cell phone, or maybe even a firearm, but I wasn’t.  I was retrieving my box of Altoids.

When I eventually arrived at the office, I contacted the local donut squad, but if anyone wrote a report or lifted a finger to do anything besides answer the phone, then I don’t know about it. I guess drive-by windshield lickings aren’t taken seriously in California.

If you enjoyed this segment then please see the others in the series.

©2010 Peyton Farquhar™ and Prattle On, Boyo™. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Peyton Farquhar™ and Prattle On, Boyo™ with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


5 Responses to The Nutjob on the Hood

  1. THREE says:


    sucky working hours. but convenient for the optimist

    was expecting more of a road rage drama almost ending up like what happens on that CSI show :p — kinda, what’s the word, ‘shocked’ with the shock factor here that outdoes 2girls1cup (eww). lets just hope he wasn’t trying to sexually harass you… or *~choke~* pick you up… because the very suggestion of that thought might disturb your subconscious forever.

    but seriously… this actually happened?… wow…

  2. June Conner says:

    I like your style and frankness – you tell it like it is. I have run across a few nutjobs myself.

  3. I found you via a LinkedIn Group. Great writing– entertaining and well said. I especially liked the part about the man licking the bird droppings off your windshield. Life does offer us priceless moments if we look for them!

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