Wouldn’t You Like to Be A Prepper, Too

Question: What's missing from this righteous stash of survivalist goodliness? Answer: No guns or ammo.

Ok, this is a strange topic, I know.  And you may be asking yourself:  So what the hell is a prepper? Or is that just a typo and Peyton really meant Pepper, as in, I’m a pepper, he’s a pepper, she’s a pepper…

According to Prepper dot org the official definition is as follows –

Prepper (noun): An individual or group that prepares or makes preparations in advance of, or prior to, any change in normal circumstances or lifestyle without significant reliance on other persons (i.e., being self-reliant), or without substantial assistance from outside resources (govt., etc.) in order to minimize the effects of that change on their current lifestyle.

For shame – they forgot to include acute paranoia & schizophrenia coupled with delusions of grandeur and Oedipal mommy issues.

I’ve been seeing references to these prepper boobs people tither & yon about the web with increasing frequency, but this latest fad sounds suspiciously to me like all the Y2K freaks waited around for a decade overcoming their embarrassment re the planes falling from the sky silliness, only to then reassemble themselves into BDU wearing (cammies), gun & bible-toting Rambo groupies.  And now it’s fashionable to belong to the local chapter because (insert booming percussive here) we’re all gonna diiiiiiiie!!!  Egaaaads!!! Quick, Nurse Ratchit…call a waaaaaaaambulaaaaaaaance because we’re running low on straight-jackets and happy pills!!

After a qualitative, fact-checking jaunt around the web dropping in on these self-anointed suburban survivalists, it seems to me that no matter which chapter’s website I visited, they all seem to have three very distinct characteristics in common:   The propensity to-

(1) Thump the bible;

(2) Stockpile weapons;

(3) The undying, all-encompassing, terrible need to show the rest of the world just how prepared they are.

In their forums, discussions range from speculation as to how (and under what auspices) they’re going to get to put to use their magnificent planning ahead skills (EMP strike by N. Korea) to haggling over the price of gold bouillon and silver.  And, lest I forget – the “basics” of stockpiling water and canned goods.  Oh, and did I mention that these preppers loves them some guns & ammo?

One loco-yokel had this to say about his newly acquired firearm:

I got a Saiga .308 rifle!  Woohoo!  They are California legal, about $500 and shoot military 7.62 surplus ammo on the CHEAP.  The stories about these rifles are epic!  As they are based on the ak-47 platform, they are reliable, and will shoot forever!

Doesn’t sound to me like ol’ Dwayne will be doing much surviving beyond storing up ammo while anxiously waiting for the time when he can finally emerge from his Ted Kaczynski-approved-hidey hole and open fire on whomever he chooses —

YeeHAW!  Saddle up, suburban cowboys! Times a-wastin’!

I am of the opinion that if these obnoxious, Jesus-helping hillbillies really wanted to man up, then they’d step into a set of real cammies and strap an M16A4 rifle to their backs for the USMC.  But then that would actually require a wee bit more testicular fortitude than some overblown,  jerk-off, Red Dawn fantasies of suburban survival cum game console on the 64 inch plasma screen HDTV.

Newsflash for you, boyo:  In the event your favorite masturbation routine actually becomes reality, there will be a hell of a lot more UNpreppers than preppers.  And you will not have enough ammo to protect your piddly little water & food supply no matter how much you spank the monkey.  Remember that Will Smith movie –The one where the hero was the only human male still left on the planet and had to board up every single entrance into the house and fend off the creatures every night?  Dude, it won’t be that easy for you.

Now go take off those ridiculous night vision goggles and stop polishing your “weapon” so much. Don’t you know that Jesus sez you kill a whole shitload of brain cells each time you jack off alone without your endeavors resulting in a live birth? Seriously.  The big JC & me were shooting off some .50 caliber spare ammo this afternoon in the woods and he assured me this was a fact.

Hey, here’s an idea, Dwayne.  Instead of stockpiling ammo, why don’t you start saving up your spooge in mason jars in the basement? After all, we wouldn’t want to deprive spermatazoan Americans of their right to exist someday. It is a constructive and potentially beneficial activity that underscores your commitment to your  cult organized religious beliefs.

Wake Up

It would seem to me that the only benefit there is to prepping for an apocalyptic scenario is the economic gains as realized by the survival gear industry. But for the Wall Street criminals and their puppet Congre$$ional representatives, the survival gear market is the only American enterprise making any money. I’ve arrived at this conclusion based simply on the proliferation of privately owned websites selling MREs and ammo.

If these guys weren’t making any money from the promotion and sale of fear, uncertainty & doubt, then there wouldn’t be thousands of search engine hits to shop from. But then I suppose that if Americans weren’t slaves to their emotions then the entire domestic economy would collapse as we speak. We are well on the way given current economic conditions, but that still doesn’t persuade me to join the local sheep herd guns & bible cult prepper group and piss away what pennies I have on survival gear.

Times are tough for a lot of us, but walk it off, folks. You should be spending your time focussing on the executive officers, corporate entities and their political lapdogs that are directly responsible for the current economic climate. Look around you, many of them are running for public office and/or are prominently featured in the corporately consolidated media on a daily basis. They pretend to be on your side while simultaneously worsening your economic well being by fattening their own bank accounts.

They also happen to belong to the same millionaire yacht club whose mission it is to pit working Americans against each other in hopes of sufficiently distracting enough of us from placing blame where it firmly belongs. Clutching bibles and stockpiling firearms won’t help bring them into account.

©2010 Peyton Farquhar™ and Prattle On, Boyo™. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Peyton Farquhar™ and Prattle On, Boyo™ with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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One Response to Wouldn’t You Like to Be A Prepper, Too

  1. THREE says:

    I hereby plead guilty as charged (sans the jacking off part). But I’m a bit more selfish than those ‘community-oriented’ Bible-thumpers though. Like that ‘legendary’ Will Smith movie. Every (wo)man for him(/her)self.

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