10. Any Halloween Movie After the First Three
The 1978 movie began as a low budget, independent horror flick and starred a very young (and unknown) Jamie Lee Curtis. With his spooky ass, rubber mask and 12-inch butcher’s blade, Michael Myers was a supernatural force of evil you could almost believe in. The storyline was so well developed & expertly directed by John Carpenter that it became an instant success almost immediately and remains the highest grossing indie film EVAH.
The third installment of the film –Halloween III: Season of the Witch– was a little confusing, but tolerable nonetheless, but by the fourth movie in the series, the franchise had become a pathetic and silly excuse for a slasher flick in a long line of ridiculous, homicidal maniac stories. There are currently ten Halloween films. With any luck, Hollywood will let it rest in pieces after thirty-two years of warmed over redundancy.
9. Any Nightmare On Elm Street After the First Two
Wes Craven’s 1984 movie was a different kind of slasher film. The killer didn’t need to leap out from behind darkened alleys to scare the bejesus out of you, instead, he got you in your dreams. But by the third movie, the storyline became stale and campy. After all, exactly how many different people (and ways) can one lunatic stalk you and still manage to keep it scary. After a little while, the finger-bladed, melted face, mental patient in the boiler-room gets real old real fast. But don’t write this one off just yet – the original is still good for retro shits & gigs.
8. Caddy Shack II
Where to begin – The movie went from an R rating in the original to a PG for the sequel for chrissake, Rodney Dangerfield was replaced by Jackie Mason, and Bill Murray was replaced by Dan Akroyd. In short, anything that was good about the original, was removed! Granted, Caddyshack II was filmed eight years later, but if the producers could not entice Bill Murray to return to his role as groundskeeper, then they should have never filmed the movie in the first place. Bottom line: Horrible sequel. You’d have a lot more fun eating Ex-Lax brownies and running out of toilet paper.
7. Another 9 1/2 Weeks
In the original 1986 film, John Gray (Mickey Rourke) was a slick, sex crazed, slightly BDSM-ish Wall Street trader who banged Kim Basinger’s gong any time and any where. The soundtrack was kick ass and the action was hot. In the end, Kim’s character decided that the sex wasn’t enough and left the relationship. Fast forward eleven years and John Gray has become as much of a has-been as Mickey Rourke’s career. If you enjoy brain-dead storylines and washed-up celebrities, then this sequel is for you. For fans of the original movie, however, move on. Nothing to see here. Go back to spanking the monkey to Kim Basinger.
6. Porky’s II: The Next Day
The early 1980s were a glorious time for teenage, coming-of-age tales of boinking and blow jobs. Behold the following exhibits:
Porky’s I (1981)
The Last American Virgin (1982)
Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)
The latter two dealt with themes of sexually transmitted disease, unwanted pregnancy, and general teenage angst set in the 80s. On the other hand, Porky’s was a Canadian produced film about teens in a fictional, Floriduh high school in 1954 and as equally hilarious.
It has been hard to forget the peeping tom antics of the boys –socially awkward, Pee Wee Morris, star athlete, Anthony “Meat” Tuperello, bigot, Timmy Cavanaugh, and good-natured, redneck, Mickey Jarvis. But Kim Cattrall’s performance in the boy’s locker room was probably the most memorable scene in the history of females who scream while getting porked. But sequel numbers 2 and 3 were just re-heated crap trotted out to make a buck. The first Porky’s movie is your best bet for female locker room spying & finger-banging fun.
5. Godfather III
The Godfather movies are my all-time favorite flicks, so it is with a heavy heart and great disappointment that I, regrettably, have to slam the third movie. Francis, Francis, Francis. What in the HELL were you thinking?! Screwing Robert Duvall out of the final segment by refusing to give him a comparable salary to Pacino’s and putting your daughter in a starring role was bad enough, but making Andy Garcia the heir apparent to the Corleone family was unforgivable.
Check your Italian mafioso history, Frankie –bastard sons (even the spawn of popular characters who have been previously killed off) don’t get to run things. And they especially don’t get to (almost) play hide the cannoli with the Don’s daughter. Maybe I’m just bitter that the story of the Corleone family has ended, but Coppola’s portrayal of the last installment in the trilogy was tragically lame. This movie was probably what caused Mario Puzo to drop over dead, and I’m scarred for life.
4. Alien III
How many ways does Alien3 suck? Let me count the ways:
Unproven director, Fincher, who evidently did not know his own ass from a hole in the ground at the time. He has since redeemed himself, but Alien3 will always be his WTF movie.
After everything that happened in Aliens -all the mommy bullshit with the little girl- everyone dies upon crash-landing on the prison planet except Ripley. (Predictable much?)
Ripley shaves her head & dives into a furnace. The end.
I suppose we should be thankful for the protagonist having committed suicide because it saved us from having to suffer through yet another sequel that you know would have been filmed had Sigourney Weaver not bowed out of the only role that made her a household name.
3. French Connection II
I was so irrevocably traumatized after watching this movie that I can’t even talk about it. I’m still in counseling.
2. The Vanishing
Even though the original (Spoorloos –1988) and the remake (The Vanishing –1993) were both directed by the same guy (George Sluizer), these two films were not the same. As is so often the case with American remakes, the latter version was a lobotomized version of the original.
In Spoorloos, Saskia (Sandra Bullock’s character), tells Rex, her fiance (Kiefer Sutherland) of her recurring dream in which she is drifting through space inside of a golden egg where she is terrified and lonely. She also tells Rex that there is someone else in another golden egg, and if they were to collide, everything would be over. Since the movie is based on the novella by Tim Krabbe entitled, The Golden Egg, this sets the ominous undertone of the movie. The viewer does not realize until the very end the significance of the golden egg, and, in the American version, the reference is completely eliminated.
Since I’m a movie purist who enjoys subtleties and intelligent thought, this could be the reason why I disliked The Vanishing. Or it could just be that remakes of foreign films made for American audiences are ruh-tarded.
The original movie, directed in 1975 by Norman Jewison, and, starring James Caan, John Houseman and Maud Adams, was about the corporate takeover of the world by behemoth monopolies that controlled all access to transportation, housing, communication, luxuries and food. Its focus was on social and political issues and made it one of the most dystopian films of its time. The 2002 remake, however, may be quite possibly the most dumbed down movie EVAH as it concentrated exclusively on equal opportunity gratuitous violence and sex. Skip this movie if you have more than one brain cell and watch the original, instead. You’ll be glad you did.
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