Endings that Make You Say What the Fuck

Warning – Contains Spoilers

The Historian (2005)
Elizabeth Kostova

Vlad Tepes, AKA “Count Dracula,” is a supernatural being who has been preying upon innocent villagers in eastern European shit holes for hundreds of years. His wealth & power are exceeded only by his ability to survive throughout the centuries.

Along comes Kostova’s over-privileged, busy-body, 16 year old, unnamed female protagonist, and, after traipsing across Europe on a wild goose chase in search of her missing Romanian-born mother, somehow, some way, she & her 25 year old, Chester-the-molester boyfriend manage to hurl the Dark One down a flight of stairs and kill him.

Please.  Bitch got $2M from the publisher for this shit.

The Gargoyle (2008)
Andrew Davidson

An unnamed, male protagonist narrates the story from his hospital bed suffering from third degree burns all over his body incurred as a result of his drunk driving.  Marianne Engel is a talented sculptress diagnosed with manic depression & schizophrenia.   (Crazy much?) She believes that she lived during the 14th century at a German monastery & had a previous relationship with the burned man.

This relationship has transcended all time & circumstance and the burned man eventually buys into her story.  But just as the two are making a life together, Marianne carves her last piece, then walks off into the sea and simply disappears. The end.

Angelology (2010)
Danielle Trussoni

Sister Evangeline is a 23 year old nun at St. Rose’s in upstate NY.  The daughter of archaeologists, she was brought to the convent at age 12 by her widowed father. Eventually, Evangeline discovers an old letter that clues her into her family’s real occupation.

Although the mythology is compelling, the characters have the emotional maturity of a 14 year old and room temperature IQs.  You don’t just have to suspend your disbelief to read this book.  You have to smack yourself upside the head repeatedly with a 2×4 in order to believe the ending and otherwise keep yourself awake. To say the conclusion was anti-climactic is like saying the holder of a lost multimillion dollar lottery ticket is a little disappointed.

All 3 books in the Twilight Series
Stephenie Meyer

As I would rather have bamboo chutes crammed under my fingernails instead of reading these books, they  deserve to be torched instead of merely tossed across the room in disgust. You know that contemporary American culture is in the toilet when a brain-dead hack like Meyer can get a multi-million dollar book deal based on angst-ridden, hormonal teenage vampires who don’t drink blood, have sex or do much of anything except lounge around in a brooding haze admiring each others looks.

Suspicion (1941)
Cary Grant – Joan Fontaine

Johnny Aysgarth is a good looking, smooth talker.  Men want to be like him and women want to do him.  Lina is a bookish & proper Englishwoman.  Johnny turns out to be an opportunistic man of leisure deathly allergic to work, but attracted to money and lots of it.  Lina is the unsuspecting gravy train in lust with Johnny. Drama ensues.

In the last 15 minutes of the film, Lina nearly falls out of a moving vehicle driven by Johnny and traveling at a high rate of speed on a curving, wind swept roadway overlooking the sea. In her anxiety-induced haze, she imagines that Johnny is trying to kill her. He pulls over the car on the shoulder. Even more drama ensues. Johnny admits that he’s a deadbeat and broke, and Lina suddenly decides she doesn’t care that he is a card carrying member of the 3 W club (We Won’t Work).  He turns the car around and they drive back home together happily instead of to her mother’s as originally planned.

If this movie were made today, Lina would end up on reality TV showing off her extra large silicone jugs and 8 child litter of in-vitro fertilized babies. Meanwhile, Johnny would be a gay male escort.

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8 Responses to Endings that Make You Say What the Fuck

  1. Brent Allard says:

    Great post! If only Van Helsing knew that stairs were Dracula’s mortal foe. They’re lucky he didn’t have a “fallen and can’t get up” beeper.

  2. I read the Historian..and I. COULN’T. AGREE. MORE. It was a true ferfucksakes moment. Now, I haven’t read the others, but now part of me wants to just to have that moment again…LOL Great post, Peyton!

  3. THREE says:

    OK on the spoiler warning, I quickly scrolled down to skip the first three, because, well, I have The Historian and Angelology :)… still kept aside (procrastinating as usual).

    And then I saw “Twilight”. WTF. Why is this title even mentioned in here? So I read that part, knowing that I will NEVER read such a crappy “book”, if it deserves to be called that. (Friend actually sent me an e-version which I deleted at barely completing the first 3 pages).

  4. Fleur says:

    I completely agree with you about The Historian. It was a decent read up until the lame ending. I would have enjoyed it more had the annoying protagonist been killed off. As to The Gargoyle, I have to disagree with you there. It makes sense if you get into the mindset of her character. It may seem ridiculous, but I think that the ending fits perfectly with the story on a whole. I think you summed up the Twilight series rather well; I have nothing to say about it other than there are 4 books in the entire series, not 3. I’ll have to take your word for Angelology and Suspicion since I haven’t read it or watched it.

  5. CGP says:

    angst-ridden, hormonal teenage vampires who don’t drink blood, have sex or do much of anything except lounge around in a brooding haze admiring each others looks.

    Sounds to me with this description you DID read it….

    • Or I could have just listened to the radio, watched TV, and been on the Internet, and/or just know numerous ppl who have read the books and watched the movies. It’s not difficult to not know what the books are about if you’re not stranded on a desert island or in a coma.

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