Since most of us start out with ideal intentions, only for our perseverance to fizzle out like the financial stability of a crack whore, I decided to create a list of realistic resolutions that have a significantly greater chance of being adhered to than the usual bullshit goals we make then promptly blow off.
5. Get More Sleep
Right. Like the trade deficit, the work-balance equation is vastly askew. Americans are the most overworked developed nation on the planet. It’s very simple. If you would like to keep your job, then you must obey your corporate master.
Piss on your health.
Piss on your family time.
Just keep working you worthless, grabbastic, piece of amphibian shit, or you won’t have your piddly income much longer. The spice must flow. And if you want to keep buying all that Chinese crap you tell yourself that you need, get cracking. The American Dream (what’s left of it) is the new slavery.
4. Pay Off Credit Cards
Let’s face facts here, Imelda. Wages have stagnated in a Big Way™. Most of us working slobs haven’t had a meaningful raise in the past 30+ friggen years. And yet Americans continue to obey their televisions encouraging them to consume ever increasing amounts of shit from China. If you ever pulled your head out of your ass long enough to investigate the reality of the trade deficit, your head would explode.
You aren’t gonna pay off your credit cards any more diligently than you’re gonna lose that wideload ass of yours because Americans have been brainwashed from the cradle to think less and to just charge it! As a result, we are incapable of living within our means. Do yourself a favor and don’t even try to kid yourself that you’re going to tighten your belt. Unless you lose your job, you won’t do it.
3. Get Organized
Let’s call a spade a spade here, shall we? Organization is for people who are too lazy to look for their shit. ‘Nuf said. Moving on…
2. Lose Weight
Alright, Baby Huey – you & I both know that you’re going to start out with rice cakes and water, and, this brilliant strategy will last for about 30 hours before your stomach lets you know in no uncertain terms that the diet doesn’t have a snowball’s hope in hell of any kind of sustainability.
Before you know it, you’ll have your head in the fridge at midnight stuffing your pie hole with whatever nasty, high fructose corn syrup laden shit you can find, which won’t be difficult since most everything in our food supply contains HFCS these days. So you may as well just get it over with and admit to yourself (and to the rest of us pie-in-the-sky fools) right here right now that the only weight you’re going to lose is the thousands of brain cells you’re going to kill off on New Year’s Eve by drinking enough Jägermeister to kill a moose.
1. Exercise More
OK, look. It’s kind of cute that you tell yourself you want to exercise more -as IF you’ve been on any kind of regularly scheduled routine all along- but the reality of the situation is that you’re a fat bastard. And you’re always gonna BE a fat bastard. But it’s alright because the wider our asses get, the wider our automobiles & beds become. (California King, anyone?) Hey, we’re Americans! We consume. It’s what we do.
So quit telling yourself that you’re going to spend more time at the gym on the ass-blaster or be more dedicated to performing P90X because you know it has all the likelihood of that fucktarded boss of yours stroking out and you getting his job. FaGET about it! Ain’t gonna happen, tubbie. Have another serving of super sized fries with your 40 gallon drum of diet soda and STFU about it already.
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