Proof that Retro Children’s TV Writers were High

I don’t want to come off as Mr. Hand here, but during the 60s-70s, people who wrote for children’s television were, in fact, on dope.  My entire generation grew up thinking it was OK to wear neon pink & diarrhea green horizontal & vertical stripes together because that’s what the drugged out, “youthful indiscretion” Boomers (before they sold out the country) were wearing on TV.

Don’t get me wrong –there is some freakiness on the contemporary b00b tube, but I have yet to see anything equal to or exceeding the shit I was subjected to. Even Sponge Bob doesn’t come anywhere near to being as bizarre as retro children’s programming.

Direct your attention to the following exhibits:

H.R. Pufnstuff

Nevermind that MickeyD’s stole the trademark for Mayor McCheese’s likeness from the H.R. Pufnstuff character, let’s focus on the characters themselves –Have you seen these things?  They’re straight out of a Rufees nightmare.

H.R. himself looks like a tweaker on a week-long bender. Just take a look at those dark circles under his eyes. The blue sash was obviously added as a last minute accessory to his ribbed lizard body ensemble during a moment of extreme mania while watching the Miss America pageant.  And what was up with the white, pointy-toed, shit-kickers?  No doubt, H.R. was probably expecting to either have to rustle up some dogies or audition for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders on a moment’s notice, or both, and wanted to be prepared, nonetheless.

Witchiepoo scared the bejesus out of me during my preschool years. No wonder the witch who lived next door to my childhood home gave me the Hershey squirts in my tighty-whities. Why do mentally unstable women always have red hair?  And the twin Keystone-like cops? I had a phobia against midgets until I was at least twelve as a result of this show.

And what was up with the golden talking flute with the sensual lips in Jimmy’s pocket? Makes me wonder now what other “magical” qualities the flute practiced on Jimmy during their private moments together…you know, since Jimmy’s lips always seemed to be sucking on Freddy the magic flute’s (ahem) head.

The Banana Splits

I’ve often wondered if this is how the Beatles appeared to someone on LSD while listening to a Gary Lewis tune. (Pssst: Gary Lewis wrote and sang the theme song to the Banana Splits show.)

The Bugaloos

It is difficult to gauge exactly what Sid & Marty Kroft were trying to convey with this show. It couldn’t have been to teach children to be tolerant of clearly mentally-challenged, tootie-fruities who wore little pink wings and flew through the air…could it?

Incidentally, I also want to point out here that the mentally unstable woman in this show -Benita Bizarre- (Martha Raye) had red hair.

The Magic Garden (NY region)

All you need to know about this show’s particular narcotic influence can be summed up in two words:

Chuckle patch.

©2011 Peyton Farquhar™ and Prattle On, Boyo™. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Peyton Farquhar™ and Prattle On, Boyo™ with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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