[Originally published August 1, 2010]
10. The Germ-A-Phobe
The Germ-a-phobe is most comfortable in his own home where his furniture is encased in plastic, and, the home itself is inside of a bacteria-free dome. His preferred attire is a haz-mat suit with its own self-contained oxygen supply (pictured above) but, nonetheless, is willing to pay for membership to a gym for the sake of appearing normal. Once inside the gym, he will only touch the equipment with paper towels and mists himself (and the equipment) often with his own bottle of customized, industrial strength anti-bacterial spray. (Latex gloves would be too obvious.) The Germ-a-phobe will never, under any circumstances, ever use the restroom while at the gym.
Annoyance Factor: 1.5
9. Crotchety Great-Grandfather Time
Grandpa Time has absolutely nothing to do and all day to do it, and, therefore, does not give a damn that you are having to wait for him to take his sweet time with any of the equipment. His favorite activity is to arrive during peak usage, then determine what the most popular fixed weight apparatus is in the gym, and, then endeavors to ensure that 6 repetitions equals 90 minutes worth of time as he will have to nap in between reps. Watch out for the drool on the pads of the equipment.
Annoyance Factor: 3
8. Business Casual Bob
Bob is usually in his middle 50s to early 60s, and, would prefer to be teeing off at his private country club with the rest of the elites if not for having lost his job. You see, Bob is a dumbass and somehow managed to have his own cushy executive position outsourced, and now, the only recreation that he can afford is a membership at the same gym the little people use. Bob, however, continues to dress as if he were on the greens at Pebble Beach right down to his spiked sole saddle shoes.
Bob usually sweats excessively, but the unsightly stains that accumulate under the arm pits of his pink golf shirt are nothing compared to the sweat that drips off him profusely in literal puddles onto the floor on either side of the trainer. If you happen to be using the trainer next to him, be sure to wear face shields and splash gear. Maybe the Germ-a-phobe will have extras you can borrow.
Annoyance Factor: 5
7. The Grunter
The Grunter likes to let everyone in the room (and the building) know that he is working out with extra gusto. His favorite piece of equipment is the bench press which he enjoys loading up with excessive weight. This in turn enables him to moan/groan/grunt without appearing to be deliberately doing so. The Grunter is equally loud while on the toilet in the restroom or refilling his water bottle from the cooler.
Annoyance Factor: 6
6. The Cell Phone Yakker
The Cell Phone Yakker is almost always female, although there are exceptions. Her preferred equipment is the treadmill as it will enable her to maximize her annoyance factor to the highest number of people in close proximity. She typically spends anywhere between 90 minutes and 2 hours on the phone while casually strolling along on the treadmill usually in white knee socks. (Because her stiletto heeled flip flops aren’t optimum equipment for this kind of leg work.)
Try to avoid using any equipment in the same room as the Yakker, but if that’s not possible, then wear noise-canceling ear plugs because if you have to overhear her conversations, you will suddenly be overcome with an uncontrollable urge to drown yourself in Bob’s puddles of sweat.
Annoyance Factor: 8
5. The Sweat Hog
The Sweat Hog’s preferred environment is the basketball court because it allows him to remove his shirt without being told by staff to put it back on. In addition to a glandular problem that causes profuse sweating, he is approximately 35 – 55 lbs. over weight and prefers wearing ill-fitting clothing that emphasizes the fact that he is wearing a bikini thong.
He also exhibits extraordinary signs of pendulous bitch tits and excessive hair growth, particularly on the back & shoulder region. Because women & small children have been known to run screaming in the opposite direction and, some men have been rendered instantaneously blind upon seeing him, I have had to crop the Sweat Hog’s image for your protection. The Sweat Hog is almost always the Cell Phone Yakker’s husband and/or Crotchety, Great Grand-Father Time’s son-in-law.
Annoyance Factor: 2 (Provided that you don’t have to shoot hoops with or see him.)
4. The Social Moth
Also known as the Popped Collar Douchebag, the Social Moth’s entire reason for existence is to wear neon/brightly colored golf shirts to the gym. That he appears to be conversing with you is an illusion because he is there only to admire himself (and his haircut) in the full-length mirrors. If you value your sanity, you will avoid this boorish personality wherever and whenever possible. Also, please note that the Moth’s father is usually Business Casual Bob.
Annoyance Factor: 7
3. The Perfumed Whore of Babylon
The Perfumed Whore of Babylon is almost always married to Business Casual Bob. Although she is the same age as Bob, she still dresses like a Flashdash refugee in color coordinated, tight spandex with leg warmers, and, may or may not be carrying an extra 40 to 50 pounds of extra weight.
The most distinguishing characteristic is the Whore’s proclivity to marinate in a particularly strong, designer perfume. Those with healthy upper respiratory systems have been known to become overwhelmed by the noxious fumes emanating from the Whore while she exercises created by the chemical reaction of sweat mixing with the perfume.
Warning: There is a danger of becoming rendered into anaphylactic shock upon having entered the same room where the Whore is so try to avoid her at all costs. If you encounter this personality, unfortunately, you will have to exit the building immediately as there is no other way to escape from the effluvium.
Annoyance Factor: 10
2. The Clones
The Clones are a primitive species of human from the 1970s era when it was considered socially acceptable for heterosexual couples to dress in matching clothing. For reasons unknown to scientists, the Clones have never been able to move on from that time period. They typically dress in matching tee shirts and gym shorts with cutesy sayings. The female has been known to wear shorts or full length sweats with the word “Juicy” embroidered across the ass, and, the male usually wears a baseball cap backwards with the words, Old Guyz Rule across the crown.
For the most part, the Clones are harmless, however, your mileage may vary.
Annoyance Factor: 2
1. The Expert
The Expert enjoys instructing others how to use body building equipment regardless of whether he was asked for help. He will typically scope out a mildly overweight (and outwardly insecure) female and proceed to surreptitiously follow her around the gym while making casual, off-hand suggestions as to how many reps and how much weight she should be using during her workout routine.
The Expert is a semi-charismatic personality with self-esteem issues of his own and so is not very aggressive, however, his inclination to offer unsolicited opinions usually works against him. The Social Moth and The Expert are almost always mortal enemies.
Annoyance Factor: 9
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