Priest (A Fist Full of Cheese)
Like an incredibly bad version of Mad Max (except in American English) and a CGI-enhanced “B” vampire flick, Priest is the hi-tech epitome of modern day entertainment. All the coolest movies, books and music have already been cashed in on (and copyrighted) by someone else, so all that there is left to do is take the best of the best and make it your own. In pop music, this concept is called sampling, and basically, it is an end run around getting sued for copyright. In movie-making, Hollywood calls it entertainment. I call it re-animated cheese.
How shall I count the cheesies? It will be tough, but following are some of my difficulties. Priest is supposed to take place in the far off, distant future. So far off and distant, you see, that people are riding around on motorcycles that can break the speed of sound. In fact, the bikes look a lot like a saddle with fuselage attached, a veritable crotch-rocket for-real. Nevermind the vampires and the class of warrior, Catholic priests that was created to fight them, let’s talk about suspension of disbelief.
I can suspend my disbelief just long enough to buy into the vampires and their nemesis, the priests. I can even buy into the world having obliterated itself back to the dark days before electricity and indoor plumbing. What I can and will not buy into is the fact that in the face of the new technology (especially the crotch rockets) that the characters are STILL using vinyl records. WTF? Really? Vinyl records?? You mean the recording industry has not developed yet another medium allegedly superior over compact discs with which to continue to fuck the fans?? Now that’s what I call fantasy.
To a lesser extent, I also object to the usage of a could-have-been-really-cool-but-isn’t character called Black Hat. He’s so badass that not only is he a warrior priest, but he’s also been transformed into a (wait for it) vampire! Gasp! Shock! And his demeanor is based on none other than the king of the spaghetti western, himself, Clint fuckin’ Eastwood, right down to wearing an identically-styled, trademark cover AND using a hoarse, whiskey-laden speaking voice. The cheese doesn’t get much stickier (or stinkier) than this. Rent this one only if you don’t have access to any of the original movies referenced above that it was inspired by.