(Can also be used interchangeably with management personality types.)
The PollyAnna is every bit as gullible as the original character she takes her name from. Although she considers herself sophisticated, Polly has has never lived outside of her state of origin. She derives most of her knowledge of the world from The View and Oprah, and, knows all the lyrics to every Lady Antebellum tune so you should do OK with Polly as your “go to” gal. Good luck with your job search, little buckaroo!
The Blame Assessor likes to point out your shortcomings as a job seeker in his columns because he is secretly bitter about not getting a publication deal for his book: Why Bella is a Bitch and Doesn’t Deserve Edward.
During his free time, he likes to pluck his eyebrows and work on his landing strip. If he starts referring to his preference for the Brazilian over the American, it’s best not to get into a discussion about it with your interviewer.
All job search writers are so full of shit that the backup causes their eyes to instantaneously turn brown, however the Bullshit Artist (“BA”) brings the concept to an art form.
The BA (who is almost always male) will ramble on for 1,000 words or more about jobs reports and the best cities to find a job. It doesn’t matter that he pulled his information out of his ass. No one reads his advice anyway, but because there is a need in some job seekers for fairy tales and the slightest glimmer of hope, the BA continues to have an illustrious career dispensing advice.
It should also be noted here that the BA also typically writes job advice columns that blame job seekers for being unemployed. This pleases Big Business employers and further ensures his paycheck.
Plastic Doll Head
The Plastic Doll Head is the female equivalent to the BA. Although she considers herself to be a job search expert, the only job seeking she has ever conducted was to have her Uncle Ritchie get her a job writing for Careerbuilder.
She often pulls her advice from a Magic 8-ball, and otherwise writes about important matters to job seekers such as hair extensions for bald men, color coordinating eye color with pubic hair, and discussing how using To Whom It May Concern as a salutation in a cover letter is not acceptable because it didn’t work in 1980.
Big Bu$ine$$ $hill
The Shill has his head wedged up the ass of Big Business so deeply that it’s frequently very difficult for him to have any other thoughts except those involving the excretion of fecal matter. As a result, his advice almost always results in the execution of dispensing shit directly onto job seekers heads.
In the Shill’s world, no job seeker is ever so important that s/he couldn’t use a little explosive diarrhea from time to time deposited by the employer. Shit rolls down hill, after all. So it is therefore up to the Shill to remind people just how spectacularly easy it is for business to replace them with indentured servants H1B Visa holders and other foreign labor wiling to work long hours for mere pennies per day.
Shills often write for employer preferred publications such as the Wall Street Journal, and, are often on friendly terms with, if not one and the same as, the Bullshit Artist.
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